rvmark

Game Game A text-adventure about gnomes
- Work in progress Under construction This game isn't done yet! If it ends abruptly, it does.
- You are Hendrik, the royal gnome catcher.
- You have been contracted by King Charlemagne to catch gnomes.
- Gnomes are a plague on Christendom and need to be caught and put in little cages.
- They are an affront to God.
- Therefore For this reason you have travelled to the pagan land of Frisia, where gnomes still dwell.
- Get your bearings.
- Frisia is cold, wet, and smells of herring. You don't like it here.
- Talk to peasant woman.
- Go to the beach.
- Visit the cheesemonger.
- Confront vikings.
- Travel back to Charlemagne.
#peasant-woman-dialogue
- "I'm the royal gnome catcher, I have been sent by Charlemagne to put the bastards in little cages."
  
  "Why?"
  
  "Why not?"
  
  "Fair enough. Can you prove you've been sent by Charlemagne?"
  
  "Yes, I carry this royal seal."
  
  The royal seal lets out a regal "l'eggp."
  
  "Oh, for f- That's not the kind of royal seal I'm asking to see!"
  
  "Ah! But it is a royal seal."
  
  The lady thinks about it, and after inspecting the seal for signs of inauthenticity, she acquiesces.
  
  "I admit... It is a royal seal."
  
  "Will you now tell me what you know about gnomes?"
  
  "Okay then, you convinced me. The cheesemonger, I have it on good authority that he is a gnome."
  
  "The cheesemonger is a gnome!?" (You and the seal in chorus.)
  
  Leave.
  
  "It's a literal grey seal! I don't care if it's royalty, it isn't proof of your identity."
  
  "Come on now, look at it!"
  
  The royal seal makes a noise that's somewhere in between a sneeze and a fart.
  
  The lady looks impressed, as if she momentarily reconsiders, but...
  
  "...even if it did prove anything, why should I listen to a delegate of Charlemagne?"
  
  "He's your king!"
  
  "I never voted for him."
  
  Leave.
  
  "...no."
  
  "Then why should I care?"
  
  "How could I prove I'm telling the truth?"
  
  "If you were carrying a royal seal..."
  
  "I'll see what I can do."
- "I am something of a gnome myself."
  
  "No you aren't."
  
  "Yes I am."
  
  "Why aren't you all small-like?"
  
  "Actually I'm multiple gnomes in a trench coat."
  
  "You're not wearing a trench coat!"
  
  "I'll go find a trench coat..."
  
  "Trench coats aren't invented yet!"
  
  "Uhm... Well... I need to go."
  
  "I am all small-like."
  
  "Gnomes are just three apples tall."
  
  "Yeah, so?"
  
  "Well how many apples are you tall?"
  
  "Exactly three."
  
  "Bullshit."
  
  "I'll show you!"
  
  "Show me."
  
  You demonstrate you are, in fact, three apples tall.
  
  "I can't."
  
  "Good point."
- "Forget about all that! What's been bothering you?"
  
  "Oh, I don't know, those darn VIKINGS LOOTING THE VILLAGE?"
  
  "Tell me where these vikings are. I will remove them in the name of God and Jesus and Charlemagne and all the rest."
  
  "LOL. You will remove the vikings?"
  
  "I have God on my side. Where are they?"
  
  "They are everywhere. They have been this whole time."
  
  There are indeed, vikings, all around you.
  
  "I'll take care of it."
- "Actually, never mind." (Leave)
- "Most peculiar..."
- "Now do you believe me?"
- "Wait a moment... Yes. Yes, precisely three! I believe you. You must be a gnome!"
- "As I told you."
- "Then I have no reason to hide anything from you."
- "Can you tell me then where I can find gnomes? I mean, gnomes other than myself?"
- "Oh you must be terribly lonely being away from your own kind for so long. I will tell you..."
- "Go ahead..."
  
  "The cheesemonger, he is a gnome."
  
  "The cheesemonger is a gnome?!"
  
  "You didn't recognize him?"
  
  "We don't all know each other."
  
  Go back to Frisia.
- "..."
- "Three apples. As I told you."
- "You just got three really big apples."
- "I did not."
- "You did! Also, what does it matter if you're a gnome? I'm not telling you anything."
- "I'll be back."
- You go to the beach to distract yourself from how lame the Low Countries are.
- It is also lame.
- You return to the beach.
- The sea is back where it ought to be.
- It is larger than you remember.
- Try to find the sea.
- Go back.
- Go back.
- You swear it was out here somewhere.
- "Run, boy... Run! The tide is coming."
- Run.
  
  You run, you run like you've never ran before.
  
  Wait, who just warned you?
  
  A large grey seal wearing a golden crown looks back at you in the distance.
  
  "Run, boy! Do not look back!"
  
  Watch on YouTube
  
  You narrowly escape the tide.
#cheesemonger-dialogue
- "Hello cheesemonger, I am going to eat lunch and I want your finest cheese."
- "Why is your cheese green?"
  
  "It's a regional specialty. Sort of a trade secret."
  
  "Oh that's fine, I don't really need to-"
  
  "Sheep turds."
  
  "Excuse me?"
  
  "It's sheep turds. We put the excrement, of sheep, into the cheese."
  
  "Perfectly reasonable."
  
  "What? Why?!"
  
  "The digested grass makes it green."
  
  "Ah! That explains it. Thank you."
  
  "Why does it have to be green?!"
  
  "..."
  
  "..."
  
  "...please leave."
  
  Leave the store.
- "Yes, I would like to purchase three of your largest apples."
- Inspect cheesemonger.
  
  It dawns on you.
  
  His small stature.
  
  His pointy hat.
  
  His whimsical love of nature.
  
  This man is a gnome.
  
  "Yes! So I am a gnome! What about it? What have gnomes ever done that's so bad?"
  
  Reflect on this.
  
  Gnomes have never done anything bad.
  
  It would be unjust to catch him.
  
  This is the most important moral choice in the game.
  
  Do you catch the gnome?
  
  I catch the gnome.
  
  "You will never catch me!"
  
  Chase the gnome.
  
  You never catch him.
  
  THE END.
  
  I do not catch the gnome.
  
  "You're right. You've done nothing wrong."
  
  "Except sell weird food products."
  
  "Except sell weird food products."
  
  "And steal babies out of their cribs, and then eat them and replace them with my gnome buddies."
  
  "..."
- "Pray tell me, how were those apples so large?"
- "I'll be leaving now." (Leave)
- Purchase apples.
  
  "I like them quite a lot. How much?"
  
  "For you? Free!"
  
  "What?! Why?"
  
  "You, by your Socratic interrogation, showed me the error of my turd-cheese selling ways. I am forever thankful."
  
  Historical note It will take until the mid-1800s before the other cheesemakers of Frisia will stop selling turd-cheese.
  
  Link Johannes le Francq van Berkhey, Natuurlyke historie van Holland, Deel 9 (Leiden: P.H. Trap, 1811), 460, https://www.dbnl.org/tekst/fran011natu09_01/fran011natu09_01_0016.php#999T.
  
  Link R. Schuiling, Nederland: Handboek der Aardrijkskunde (Tijl, 1934–1936), https://resolver.kb.nl/resolve?urn=MMKB18:028442000:00747.
  
  The three apples stacked on top of each other are exactly the height of your own body.
  
  Go back outside.
- Do not purchase apples.
  
  "No! I do not like them!"
  
  Go back outside.
- You walk up to the vikings and check their vibe.
- Do they know the cool handshake?
  
  You try to do the cool handshake with one of the vikings.
  
  The viking makes a gesture kind of like he's going to do a fist-bump.
  
  You try to match what he's doing, but you just awkwardly bump into each other.
  
  You end up shaking hands.
  
  Vibe check failed.
  
  "Hey guys, what's up."
  
  "Oh noding, vee vere yust loot-ing dis veellage."
  
  "That's cool... that's cool..."
  
  "Yeah, about that."
  
  "Could you stop doing that?"
  
  "Doing vat?"
  
  "Looting the veellage... I mean village."
  
  "You vant us to stop loot-ing dis veellage?"
  
  "Me? Not at all! In fact, I want you to loot the village harder."
  
  They loot the village twice as hard.
  
  Frisia is cold, wet, and smells of herring. You don't like it here.
  
  Talk to peasant woman.
  
  Go to the beach.
  
  Visit the cheesemonger.
  
  Confront vikings.
  
  Travel back to Charlemagne.
  
  "Yes. That's what I said."
  
  "Yuu are wery brave saying suuch a thing to a wiking."
  
  Another viking joins the conversation.
  
  "Ja. Vee respect brave men like yourself."
  
  "No one ewer ask-ed us to stop do-ing de loot-ing before."
  
  "That's awesome. So will you stop?"
  
  "No."
  
  They beat you to pulp with their axes.
  
  You are dead.
  
  THE END.
- The vikings interrupt you.
- "Vait no dat's vucked up."
- "Vhy vould you vant us to loot tvice as hard?"
- "I thought that's what you liked! You like to loot!"
  
  "Ja vee like to loot but vee do not feel like it anymore."
  
  "Vee vere looting because vee vere sad."
  
  "Sad because our friend Lennart died."
  
  "Lennart vas a moose."
  
  "Now vee are too sad to even loot."
  
  "Good!"
  
  "Yuu think eet ees good dat our good friend Lennart died?"
  
  They beat you to pulp with their axes.
  
  You are dead.
  
  THE END.
  
  "Aww... that's sad."
  
  "Vats even more sad is vat happened after."
  
  "Ja, ve gave Lennart a wiking funeral."
  
  "Is that when you kill a bunch of virgins in his honor and drink mead from their skulls?"
  
  "Nej. Yuu are sick in de head."
  
  "Eet ees ven you cremate some-one on a burn-ing boat."
  
  "Now ve don't have a boat."
  
  "Vee vant to go home."
  
  "What do you normally do when you need a new boat?"
  
  "Vee make one."
  
  "How do you make one?"
  
  "Vid de box you get from de labyrinth."
  
  "Ja, you have to get de box and decypher de hieroglyphics dat say how to make de boat."
  
  "I will go to the labyrinth for you."
  
  "I will NOT go to the labyrinth for you."
  
  "Dat's fine. Ve thought dis joke vas stupid also, so ve vent already."
  
  "De labyrinth vas an Ikea."
  
  "I see. So the joke was that you are Scandinavian and so is Ikea."
  
  "Ja. Eet vas not particularly inspired."
  
  "Yes, I am glad we are doing self-deprecating metacommentary instead."
  
  "..."
  
  "Actually this sucks more, let's go to the Ikea."
- You arrive at the labyrinth.
- The labyrinth is an Ikea.
- You say "Hahaha this is funny. The vikings were Scandinavian and this is an Ikea which is also Scandinavian!"
- You laugh a lot.
- At the entrance of the not-Ikea stands a man-sized land-shark.
- "Hello, I am that shark transgender people like. The original one that the plushes are based on. I was an actual historical figure it turns out."
- "Wow."
- "To gain entrance to the Ikea, I mean labyrinth, you must answer these questions three."
- Answer questions three.
  
  "What is your name?"
  
  "Hendrik."
  
  "Bendrik."
  
  "Gendrik."
- "Second question. What is my name?"
- "Blæhaj."
- "Blähaj."
- "Bløhaj."
- "Wrong. It is Blåhaj."
- "That's stupid."
  
  The shark eats you for being annoying.
  
  You are dead.
  
  THE END.
- "Oh, that's neat."
  
  "Last question."
  
  "Everyone on the planet has to press one of two buttons."
  
  "If over half the population press the red button, all red-pressers live, and all blue-pressers die."
  
  "If over half the population press the blue button, everyone lives."
  
  "I press red."
  
  You answer: "I press the red button because I think the blue pressers are stupid and deserve to die."
  
  "There could be children among the blue pressers."
  
  "Yes. I think children are stupid."
  
  "You've answered the three questions. Welcome to the Ikea, I mean, labyrinth."
  
  Enter the labyrinth.
  
  "I press blue."
  
  You answer: "I press the blue button and then instigate a purge to kill all the red-pressers for their anti-social tendencies."
  
  The shark doesn't know what to make of this.
  
  "You've answered the three questions. Welcome to the Ikea, I mean, labyrinth."
  
  Enter the labyrinth.
- You hope you don't run into any more pointless meme references or self-deprecating meta-humor.
- Wait... could this be...
- The infinite Ikea SCP backrooms analog horror liminal space slop slop slop?!?
- It's not. It's just an Ikea.
- The person at the self-checkout is one of the vikings from earlier.
- Work in progress Under construction
- Work in progress Under construction
- The royal seal.
  
  The seal can be obtained after bringing the vikings their boat.
  
  The seal turns out to be the rightful inheritor of Christendom.
  
  There is a flashback with Saint Ambrose and Saint Augustine.
  
  They preside over the secret marriage of a young Roman prince with an extraordinary claim to the Roman Empire, and a grey seal.