- Game A text-adventure about gnomes
- You are Hendrik, the royal gnome catcher.
- You have been contracted by King Charlemagne to catch gnomes.
- Gnomes are a plague on Christendom and need to be caught and put in little cages.
- They are an affront to God.
- For this reason you have travelled to the pagan land of Frisia, where gnomes still dwell.
- Get your bearings.
-
- #peasant-woman-dialogue
- "I'm the royal gnome catcher, I have been sent by Charlemagne to put the bastards in little cages."
- "Why?"
- "Why not?"
- "Fair enough. Can you prove you've been sent by Charlemagne?"
- "Yes, I carry this royal seal."
- The royal seal lets out a regal "l'eggp."
- "Oh, for f- That's not the kind of royal seal I'm asking to see!"
- "Ah! But it is a royal seal."
- The lady thinks about it, and after inspecting the seal for signs of inauthenticity, she acquiesces.
- "I admit... It is a royal seal."
- "Will you now tell me what you know about gnomes?"
- "Okay then, you convinced me. The cheesemonger, I have it on good authority that he is a gnome."
- "The cheesemonger is a gnome!?" (You and the seal in chorus.)
- Leave.
- "It's a literal grey seal! I don't care if it's royalty, it isn't proof of your identity."
- "Come on now, look at it!"
- The royal seal makes a noise that's somewhere in between a sneeze and a fart.
- The lady looks impressed, as if she momentarily reconsiders, but...
- "...even if it did prove anything, why should I listen to a delegate of Charlemagne?"
- "He's your king!"
- "I never voted for him."
- Leave.
- "...no."
- "Then why should I care?"
- "How could I prove I'm telling the truth?"
- "If you were carrying a royal seal..."
- "I'll see what I can do."
- "I am something of a gnome myself."
- "No you aren't."
- "Yes I am."
- "Why aren't you all small-like?"
- "Actually I'm multiple gnomes in a trench coat."
- "I am all small-like."
- "Good point."
- "Forget about all that! What's been bothering you?"
- "Oh, I don't know, those darn VIKINGS LOOTING THE VILLAGE?"
- "Tell me where these vikings are. I will remove them in the name of God and Jesus and Charlemagne and all the rest."
- "LOL. You will remove the vikings?"
- "I have God on my side. Where are they?"
- "They are everywhere. They have been this whole time."
- There are indeed, vikings, all around you.
- "I'll take care of it."
- "Actually, never mind." (Leave)
- "Most peculiar..."
- "Now do you believe me?"
- "Wait a moment... Yes. Yes, precisely three! I believe you. You must be a gnome!"
- "As I told you."
- "Then I have no reason to hide anything from you."
- "Can you tell me then where I can find gnomes? I mean, gnomes other than myself?"
- "Oh you must be terribly lonely being away from your own kind for so long. I will tell you..."
- "Go ahead..."
- "The cheesemonger, he is a gnome."
- "The cheesemonger is a gnome?!"
- "You didn't recognize him?"
- "We don't all know each other."
- Go back to Frisia.
- "..."
- "Three apples. As I told you."
- "You just got three really big apples."
- "I did not."
- "You did! Also, what does it matter if you're a gnome? I'm not telling you anything."
- "I'll be back."
- You go to the beach to distract yourself from how lame the Low Countries are.
- It is also lame.
- You return to the beach.
- The sea is back where it ought to be.
- It is larger than you remember.
- Try to find the sea.
- Go back.
- Go back.
- You swear it was out here somewhere.
- "Run, boy... Run! The tide is coming."
- Run.
- You run, you run like you've never ran before.
- Wait, who just warned you?
- A large grey seal wearing a golden crown looks back at you in the distance.
- "Run, boy! Do not look back!"
- You narrowly escape the tide.
- #cheesemonger-dialogue
-
- Purchase apples.
- "I like them quite a lot. How much?"
- "For you? Free!"
- "What?! Why?"
- "You, by your Socratic interrogation, showed me the error of my turd-cheese selling ways. I am forever thankful."
- Historical note It will take until the mid-1800s before the other cheesemakers of Frisia will stop selling turd-cheese.
- The three apples stacked on top of each other are exactly the height of your own body.
- Go back outside.
- Do not purchase apples.
- You walk up to the vikings and check their vibe.
- Do they know the cool handshake?
- You try to do the cool handshake with one of the vikings.
- The viking makes a gesture kind of like he's going to do a fist-bump.
- You try to match what he's doing, but you just awkwardly bump into each other.
- You end up shaking hands.
- Vibe check failed.
- "Hey guys, what's up."
- "Oh noding, vee vere yust loot-ing dis veellage."
- "That's cool... that's cool..."
- "Yeah, about that."
- "Could you stop doing that?"
- "Doing vat?"
- "Looting the veellage... I mean village."
- "You vant us to stop loot-ing dis veellage?"
- "Me? Not at all! In fact, I want you to loot the village harder."
- "Yes. That's what I said."
- "Yuu are wery brave saying suuch a thing to a wiking."
- Another viking joins the conversation.
- "Ja. Vee respect brave men like yourself."
- "No one ewer ask-ed us to stop do-ing de loot-ing before."
- "That's awesome. So will you stop?"
- "No."
- They beat you to pulp with their axes.
- You are dead.
- THE END.
- The vikings interrupt you.
- "Vait no dat's vucked up."
- "Vhy vould you vant us to loot tvice as hard?"
- "I thought that's what you liked! You like to loot!"
- "Ja vee like to loot but vee do not feel like it anymore."
- "Vee vere looting because vee vere sad."
- "Sad because our friend Lennart died."
- "Lennart vas a moose."
- "Now vee are too sad to even loot."
- "Good!"
- "Yuu think eet ees good dat our good friend Lennart died?"
- They beat you to pulp with their axes.
- You are dead.
- THE END.
- "Aww... that's sad."
- "Vats even more sad is vat happened after."
- "Ja, ve gave Lennart a wiking funeral."
- "Is that when you kill a bunch of virgins in his honor and drink mead from their skulls?"
- "Nej. Yuu are sick in de head."
- "Eet ees ven you cremate some-one on a burn-ing boat."
- "Now ve don't have a boat."
- "Vee vant to go home."
- "What do you normally do when you need a new boat?"
- "Vee make one."
- "How do you make one?"
- "Vid de box you get from de labyrinth."
- "Ja, you have to get de box and decypher de hieroglyphics dat say how to make de boat."
- "I will go to the labyrinth for you."
- "I will NOT go to the labyrinth for you."
- "Dat's fine. Ve thought dis joke vas stupid also, so ve vent already."
- "De labyrinth vas an Ikea."
- "I see. So the joke was that you are Scandinavian and so is Ikea."
- "Ja. Eet vas not particularly inspired."
- "Yes, I am glad we are doing self-deprecating metacommentary instead."
- You arrive at the labyrinth.
- The labyrinth is an Ikea.
- You say "Hahaha this is funny. The vikings were Scandinavian and this is an Ikea which is also Scandinavian!"
- You laugh a lot.
- At the entrance of the not-Ikea stands a man-sized land-shark.
- "Hello, I am that shark transgender people like. The original one that the plushes are based on. I was an actual historical figure it turns out."
- "Wow."
- "To gain entrance to the Ikea, I mean labyrinth, you must answer these questions three."
- Answer questions three.
-
- "Wrong. It is Blåhaj."
- "That's stupid."
- The shark eats you for being annoying.
- You are dead.
- THE END.
- "Oh, that's neat."
- "Last question."
- "Everyone on the planet has to press one of two buttons."
- "If over half the population press the red button, all red-pressers live, and all blue-pressers die."
- "If over half the population press the blue button, everyone lives."
- "I press red."
- You answer: "I press the red button because I think the blue pressers are stupid and deserve to die."
- "There could be children among the blue pressers."
- "Yes. I think children are stupid."
- "You've answered the three questions. Welcome to the Ikea, I mean, labyrinth."
- Enter the labyrinth.
- "I press blue."
- You answer: "I press the blue button and then instigate a purge to kill all the red-pressers for their anti-social tendencies."
- The shark doesn't know what to make of this.
- "You've answered the three questions. Welcome to the Ikea, I mean, labyrinth."
- Enter the labyrinth.
- You hope you don't run into any more pointless meme references or self-deprecating meta-humor.
- Wait... could this be...
- The infinite Ikea SCP backrooms analog horror liminal space slop slop slop?!?
- It's not. It's just an Ikea.
- The person at the self-checkout is one of the vikings from earlier.
- The royal seal.
- The seal can be obtained after bringing the vikings their boat.
- The seal turns out to be the rightful inheritor of Christendom.
- There is a flashback with Saint Ambrose and Saint Augustine.
- They preside over the secret marriage of a young Roman prince with an extraordinary claim to the Roman Empire, and a grey seal.